As your aircraft approaches Phuket island off Thailand’s south-western flank you observe at least three different shades of the water below. Just as you’re taking in this surreal sight, your partner, grabbing your arm, hisses, “I think we’re diving straight into the sea!” Thankfully, before she starts screaming, the plane lands on the runway barely 200 metres shy of the great blue yonder. After checking into your Patong Beach rental, the two of you do a brief recce of the place and find it chock-a-block with boutiques, eateries, pubs, massage parlours and the ubiquitous tour operators waving their mind-boggling assortments of Phuket experiences, bungee-jumping to scuba-diving. The same evening you decide to catch the much-ballyhooed Simon Cabaret. Now you’ve heard it’s performed by the famed Ladyboys of Thailand so you go in expecting close-shaven drag queens crooning in falsetto. But what voluptuous figures? What delicate faces and dulcet voices? Are these people really transvestites? For ninety minutes you sit spellbound by the choreography, the costumes and the lilting music. Lined up for the next morning is the Phuket city tour. Sharp at ten, a Toyota van picks you up from your hotel and races southwards, forging through thick tropical vegetation ...